The “whys” of my guest

Since Friday, I have been slowly working on the wolf’s pelt – his ears were crushed in and all of his paws were inside out. Once this preliminary cosmetic work is complete, I hope to spend some time getting to know him.

But for this post, I’d thought I’d share some of the “whys”.

Why have I chosen to try and work with a wolf pelt?

In January of this year, I had some wonderful, powerful and horrifying experiences with Grey Wolf, the totem. Here is the one most influential experience I had. (please note, that it may seem disjointed because I do not feel comfortable sharing the context of my spiritual work in a public blog).

I was drawn to my tent on Red’s beach. Stepping out of the darkness, I decided to stride out into the woods to visit the energy civets. Red blocked my way and told me to go to the Island across the sea (the island where *person who was harassing me* was). She gestured towards a small rowing boat. I reluctantly got in and rowed out to sea.

I remember the strain in my arms, and the hot sun crushing me from above.

It got dark. I was on the Island. There was a straw effigy of *person who was harassing me*, I walked around him, then he burst into flame. There was the sound of paws and hooves around me, bodies where moving, dancing, around and around and I joined in – a humanimal dancing in the joy of creation.

More blackness, and I started chanting “Wolf” again.

This time, I was in my wolf body. There where other wolves around. I was burning with rage, and was in a violent battle with Wolf to earn her hide. I took some terrible blows to my shoulders and throat. From here I was knocked to the floor, back into my human form and consumed by the pack. Their eyes were mine.

With a thousand eyes, and the blinding stamina of the pack we chased and killed a beast. The warm blood was satisfying.

I came back to myself, back in the circle of wolves, back in the fight with Wolf.

Suddenly, the anger that was forced on me was gone. I wasn’t really angry. I had nothing to be angry for. I would earn Wolf’s hide, but not in Wolf’s style. I’m a Maned Wolf. I’m too quick to anger, but now I can see how futile that misdirected fury is. Maned Wolf is my primary teacher for a reason.

Wolf charged me again, going for my throat. I held up my left arm, which she bit, and ever so calmly I pulled out my bone knife with my right and stabbed her in the throat. Ever. So. Calmly.

I kept cutting. Every. So. Calmly. Throat to tail. She dropped to the ground, and I cut from the back of her paws to the central cut and pulled her skin away.

Ever. So. Calmly. I pulled the hide over me, with the fat, tissue and blood dripping over my body. And I smiled. Ever. So. Calmly.

That Wolf hide felt so damned good. It was a perfect fit. And I was tempted to keep it. I had earned it. However, I knew that a wolf hide would come to me, at some point, in the real world. This was not mine.

Wolf stood up, bones and muscles exposed. Still as deadly as before. Her hide may have defined her exterior, but inside, deep down, there are fewer and fewer differences between her and me.

I (admittedly reluctantly) pulled her hide from my body and returned it to her. Once in place I took my bone needle and twine, and very crudely stitched the hide in place. Aferwards, I knelt before Wolf and asked her to become a student, and to earn a hide of my own. I’m not Wolf, but Kalak, but I would be honoured to learn from my cousins. She accepted, and I smiled.

Red came from behind, hugged me and told me it is time to go home.

This was a very personal experience for me, so I do not expect anybody to take my UPG as gospel. But I hope this gives you an idea of why I wanted to learn from Wolf the totem and an individual wolf, in the form of a hide.

And why this particular wolf pelt?

This wolf died in a road traffic accident.

For those of you who don’t know me well, earlier this year Dougal was involved in an RTA – and thanks to the kindness of a stranger, he survived. It was a frightening experience for all of us, but watching Dougal leap and pounce now … it is so hard to believe that he was moments from death.

This wolf didn’t have the support Dougal had, and did not survive the accident. That touches a nerve deep within me. Maybe his family have no idea where he disappeared to. I wonder what would of happened to Dougal if a stranger didn’t stop to help. Would I have ever found him? Would I have ever known what his fate was?

I want this wolf to have a happy home. His spirits may have moved on, but there is residual energy there and that deserves a respectful life. Not to be a trophy, or a tacky fur coat. Not to be harassed by misguided animal rights activists.

I would like to clarify that this wolf was legally taken, and has his CITIES number. He came to me from Zhon, a very talented taxidermist and I was advised and guided by the marvellous folk in the Fur, Hide & Bone community on LiveJournal.

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